All Bets Are Off
by that one little guy
Summary: Legend of Eevee oneshot. After the fiasco in Termina, Pichu returns to settle his bet with Eevee. And being Pichu, he screws it up.


**A/N:** Hello again. This is basically the epilogue to Majerkass's Mask, since as some people pointed out, I still had one lingering plot thread left between Pichu and Eevee… so I took that and went a little nuts with it. Hope you enjoy.

––

"Hooray! We're back home at last, in glorious Hyrule!" Pichu cheered as he rode Epona through the sunny Hyrule Field. "I'm kinda gonna miss Termina, though. What with the indoor plumbing and the higher literacy rate and the centuries-more-advanced technology… but such is life, I guess."

"Yeah, whatever. Are we almost there? I'm chafing like crazy back here," Togetic complained from behind Pichu.

"Uhhh, it should be just a little further to Hyrule Castle…" Pichu immediately perked up. "Hey! That reminds me! We have to go see Princess Eevee right now!"

Togetic frowned. "What? Why?"

"Because, stupid! We had a bet going on whether I could survive this adventure, and I did! Time to go get that candy bar I was promised! Victory has never tasted so chocolatey!"

He just then seemed to notice the irritated look on Togetic's face. "Oh, uh, right… T-Money, were you still planning on murdering Eevee the moment you lay eyes on her?"

"Glad to see you haven't forgotten."

"Well, this complicates things a little… luckily, I think I have a fix for this."

––

"Heya there, Princess! Long time no see!" Pichu greeted Eevee as they stood in the Hyrule Castle throne room. "Sooooo, guess who won our little bet and is back from his adventure, definitely not dead? Here's a hint: It's me."

Eevee looked at him incredulously. "Wait a minute. You're telling me you've already been off on another adventure in the few days since we last met… and you're _not_ dead?!"

"Yup! I survived, and I brought Togetic back too!"

"I know you're in here somewhere! Come and taste the cold embrace of death, you harlot!" Togetic shouted from several yards behind Pichu, flying around and trying to locate Eevee with the blindfold Pichu had tied over her face.

Eevee stared at Pichu with a rather horrified look. "I don't believe this."

"So, per the terms of our arrangement, I'll take that candy bar now. So you know, anything with coconut in it will be considered an act of war. And I don't think either of us want that."

"Err… right…" Eevee began to slowly withdraw out of the room. "The candy bar… of course… let me just go get the butcher knife – I mean, find my candy stash." She immediately turned around and ran out the door.

Pichu looked very pleased with himself. "I think that went pretty well, don't you T-Money?" Togetic crashed into a mounted suit of armor, causing a very loud chain reaction that sent every suit of armor in the room crashing to the floor. "Aaaaand that's my cue."

––

"I don't understand, Princess. All he's asking for is a candy bar, and you refuse to uphold your end of the bet?"

"It's the principle of the thing, Umbreon!" Eevee snapped as the two of them conferred in the castle garden. "He's a complete moron! I can't have the kingdom knowing he pulled a fast one on me like this, or I'll never be able to show my face again! I'm sure I'll think of some way to get around this."

"Perhaps. Or perhaps you'll actually behave like a princess and do the honorable thing without resorting to anything rash and stupid," said Umbreon. "On a completely unrelated note, the other Sages and I have restrained Mewtwo in the Arbiter's Grounds. He is to be executed this evening, barring any unforeseen interferences."

Eevee blinked very slowly at this. "Ah. Yes. Uh… that's wonderful news."

––

"I can't believe you didn't let me assassinate the monarch of this country, Pichu. This is putting a real damper on our relationship."

Pichu and Togetic were hanging out at Lon Lon Ranch. "Look, Togetic, I just don't think it'd be good for my PR. I'm supposed to be the Hero of Time and stuff. Plus, she still owes me my freaking candy bar. I'm not letting that go."

"Fine, fine. What if I just got a third party to do it, leaving no evidence that you or I were involved?"

Pichu gave her a disturbed look. "You're _really_ that upset she dressed up like a man and had you fooled?"

"YES! If I wanted that shit pulled on me, I'd go to a drag bar, like I did last week!"

"Oh, it's you two," said Igglybuff as she approached the two of them. "You haven't been making out in the stables again, have you?"

"Only for about three hours."

"…Right. Anyway, have you heard the good news? Mewtwo is going to be executed tonight!" Igglybuff said excitedly. "It looks like the dark future that Pichu warned us about will never come to pass. Unless something happens to screw the whole thing up, of course."

Togetic turned to Pichu with a devious expression as Igglybuff happily wandered off. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Pichu looked at her blankly. "Uh… no."

"That's probably for the best."

––

That evening, dreary gray clouds had gathered in the sky over the Arbiter's Grounds. A very angry Mewtwo was chained by his wrists to an enormous stone slab in the middle of a large circular chamber, and the Six Sages were encircling him.

"Mewtwo! You are hereby sentenced to execution for a multitude of crimes you haven't actually committed yet!" Jolteon thundered.

Mewtwo glared at him. "Are you _shitting_ me?! You honestly think this farce of a judicial system is going to hold up? Haven't you seen Minority Report?"

The Sages all exchanged confused looks with each other. "…No," said Umbreon.

"…Neither have I. I was hoping someone had."

"All right, enough wasting time. Vaporeon, you won the coin toss, so you take care of this," said Jolteon.

"Sweet!" Vaporeon stood in the center of the remaining Sages. "Okay, I looked up 'How to stab someone with an icicle' online, so I'm pretty sure I've got this down!" She generated an enormous icicle in her paws, then sent it hurtling straight at Mewtwo. "EAT THIS, C***SUCKER!"

Mewtwo roared in pain as he was impaled through the stomach by the huge icicle. He thrashed around in a rage, coughing up blood and trying to break loose, but he was already too weak to escape. After several long agonizing moments, his strength finally gave out completely and he fell still and lifeless.

Jolteon bowed his head, sighing in relief. "And that's the end of that. Now then, let's all go get some hot wings."

––

With the Sages currently off performing their duty, the Chamber of Sages, the resting place of the Triforce, was deserted. Although that quickly changed with two small Pokémon who happened to come sneaking into the same place at the same time.

"I can't kill Pichu myself, so I'll just release Mewtwo! He'll take care of this for me!" Eevee said to herself as she sneaked in from the left.

"I can't kill Eevee myself, so I'll just release Mewtwo! He'll take care of this for me!" Togetic said to herself as she sneaked in from the right.

Both of them came to a stop as they noticed each other. "How the hell did you get in here?! You're not one of the Sages!" Eevee exclaimed.

"I had Pichu withdraw the Light Ball, duh. And now I'm here to shatter the Triforce and give Mewtwo the Triforce of Power, so that he will break free and murder your punk ass for sexually confusing me!"

"…You're incredibly petty."

"And you're ugly. HIYAAAA!" Togetic screamed, throwing a flying kick at Eevee, and within seconds the two of them had broken into a violent scuffle, splashing and thrashing around in the water pool that surrounded the Triforce. It was only a matter of moments before Eevee gained the upper hand, crouching on one of the platforms and holding Togetic's head underwater.

"You idiot. You thought just because I'm a princess that I'm some fragile figurehead who can't take care of myself?"

"Well, I was really hoping…"

Eevee continued dunking Togetic's head underwater before the latter finally broke free and flew to safety. "Okay, you asked for it, bitch! I apparently turned into a Fairy-type at some point, so check this out!" She held her hands up above her head, generating a blinding ball of light before sending it down as a beam attack straight at Eevee. "DAZURINGU GUREEMU!"

Eevee gasped in fright, leaping out of the beam's path just in time. It instead collided directly into the Triforce, which glowed dangerously for a moment before growing blinding and exploding. Three golden beams of light suddenly came streaking out from the explosion, one of them slamming directly into Eevee while the other two went soaring out of the chamber and vanished.

Eevee and Togetic stared for a long moment at the empty space where the Triforce had been. "Uh, crap… oh wait, this is what I wanted. Haha!" said Togetic. "Now you'll get yours, you…"

Then something happened that neither of them had foreseen but really should have. The entire chamber began to rumble dangerously, the water churning and frothing. Dust and debris began to fall from the ceiling as the pillars that held up the chamber spontaneously crumbled and collapsed all around them. The room was consumed by flashes of light, reality began to warp, and outside the chamber the Sacred Realm started coming apart at the seams.

The two Pokémon glanced nervously at each other. "…This plan kind of sucked, didn't it?" said Eevee.

" _Your_ plan sucked. Mine was perfect," said Togetic.

––

The Sages had turned around and were just about to leave, when there came a glow from behind them that made them turn back around and stare. The unmistakable form of the Triforce had suddenly appeared on the back of Mewtwo's hand, and his limp body had begun to twitch. Then he abruptly lifted up his head, seething in fury, and glared at the Sages while wearing a malicious grin.

" **BEHOLD!** The Triforce of Power is mine, for some reason even I cannot explain! Time to go shoehorn myself into the next story! History will surely remember this as some kind of divine prank!"

"…That's terrible writing," said Flareon.

"It is indeed." Mewtwo effortlessly shattered the shackles that held him, then surged forward and punched a hole straight through Vaporeon's stomach. She gasped before exploding into a shower of water molecules, leaving the other Sages to back away in horror. Mewtwo turned to face them and ripped the icicle out of his torso, never losing his animalistic grin.

"Uh… we do have a contingency plan for this, right?" asked Leafeon.

Espeon appeared from around the corner. "Hey guys, I brought the hot wings and – aww, shit. What'd I miss this time?"

"There is only one thing we can do now," Jolteon said grimly. "We must banish Mewtwo to the realm beyond this ancient mirror!"

Flareon glanced behind them at the gigantic circular mirror that no one had mentioned until now. "Oh yeah, I was wondering what that thing was doing there. …Wait, aren't there _people_ living in that other realm?"

"AND HE'S THEIR PROBLEM NOW, BITCHES!" Jolteon roared, lifting up his arms and summoning his poorly defined Sagey powers. The other Sages quickly followed his lead, causing the mirror to glow and shine an enormous circle of light onto the stone slab. A series of intricate glowing runes spread out across the slab, and Mewtwo turned around and looked on in terror as they opened up into a massive circular portal, sucking him in.

"NOOOOOOOOO! WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING FORCED TO LIVE OUT A RECYCLED PLOT DEVICE?!" Mewtwo roared as the Sages used their combined power to banish him into another realm.

As the portal and the runes disappeared, the five remaining Sages looked around uncomfortably at each other. It was very, very quiet.

"Oooookaaaay… nobody else needs to know this happened, right?" said Espeon.

The water droplets splattered across the ground suddenly began flowing toward each other, building up and taking on a physical form, before they finally turned back into Vaporeon. "Phew. Good thing my species has regenerative capabilities, or that might've actually hurt."

––

Pichu stared at the two Pokémon facing him. "Wait… so… you two have decided to put aside your differences?"

Togetic and Eevee both shuffled uneasily before Eevee spoke up. "…Yes."

"Yes, we have."

"We decided we all have bigger things to worry about."

"Yeah, said things being about seven feet tall and Psychic and newly unleashed and ranting about world domination and – " Eevee punched Togetic in the head before she could continue.

"That's wonderful!" Pichu cheered. "Now we can all live happily together! Especially since Mewtwo has been executed, right?"

"Uhhh… we have no reason to believe he was not," Eevee said carefully.

"PRINCESS!" came a very angry voice, and Eevee immediately winced as Umbreon came marching up to her. "We were in the middle of executing Mewtwo when he spontaneously received the Triforce of Power and broke his bonds, forcing us to banish him to another dimension! You wouldn't happen to know anything about this, would you?"

Eevee gazed up at Umbreon in fear for a moment before quickly pointing to Togetic. "She did it."

"Wait, you sealed him away?" asked Togetic. "That's exactly how you took care of him in the future. But we heard that's only good for so long, before he inevitably breaks free and wreaks havoc on our descendants."

Surprisingly, Pichu seemed to brighten up at this. "So… what I'm hearing is, this is a problem for future generations?"

Togetic looked a bit confused. "Uh, I guess…?"

"Sweet. Let's go bowling."


End file.
